Warning: The guide below has been written for humorous purposes only. Nobody — including the author of this blog, the unpredictable weather (like when you’re on holiday, and it’s hotter at home), the person who keeps altering your seat height at work, the driver who has blocked the pedestrian crossing, the traffic warden who gave you the parking ticket, the rude shop assistant, the train that you missed by a couple of seconds and the owner of the dog who didn’t pick up its poop — is conspiring to make you miserable.

Now, having sorted that out….

"I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood."
– Larry David

Total misery is not an easy state to achieve, it takes focus, persistence and commitment but if you believe you have what it takes, this post can guide you along the path to true self-induced misery.

This blog post can help you no matter where you find yourself on the misery to happiness spectrum. If at any time you accidently find yourself too happy and having to put in more effort than is necessary don’t despair!

You can use the mind tricks below to develop and maintain a negative outlook. If you are already a miserable bastard, then you can use these principles to soar to even greater heights of self-induced misery.

No Dumping Here!

Image by Mark Morris

The other day I was at a standstill, stuck in a traffic jam on a winding country lane. An unusual sign grabbed my attention. Written in hand painted black letters it said,

“No dumping here.”

Directly below it, there were some black bin liners filled with rubbish, an old frayed mattress, a pile of broken terracotta tiles, conifer branches, grass cuttings and the sky blue frame of a mountain bike.

The sign had obviously been ignored.

This got me thinking…to induce self-misery you to have to ignore the “happiness signposts” and get your mind to continually “dump” on yourself.

Then, it won’t be long before your life is a pile of garbage!

Sound good?

Good! Let’s explore 7 mind tricks to induce self-misery:

Mind Trick #1 – Ignore ALL the happy advise on this blog

Image by Delaney Dawson

Be aware…be very AWARE.

On this blog, you’ll find plenty of happiness advice!

It comes from pain in the arse “happy wise” coach! (It’s inevitable in life that you’re going to meet them, so you might as well be prepared!!)

His advice will help you take a refreshing look at your life and help you make some significant changes towards happiness I suggest you ignore it.

Completely!!!

See it as silly, touchy-feely, warm and fuzzy, tree-hugging psychobabble.

YOU don’t need to find your centre, eat tofu or wear a crystal from planet Zorg around your neck!!

Mind Trick #2– Make society’s definition of success your goal

Image by Zed Kolk 

It’s very important to spend all of your time looking for happiness, inner peace and fulfilment in the wrong place.

Allow yourself to be seduced and conditioned into a Western philosophy that places a high value on what we accomplish (Doing) and what we accumulate (Having). Avoid valuing your way of being.

Define your success by the acquired values of society:

• Possessions
• Status
• Achievements
• Pay
• Position
• Power

Believe with absolute certainty this is where your happiness lies. Put success and happiness “out there,” outside yourself.

Start saying to yourself, “if only I had a better job, a bigger home, a slimmer figure, a faster car, more money, a loving family…. then I would be happy.”

This way, like a cat chasing its tail round and round, happiness will always elude till the day you take you last breath.

Spend all your time and effort rearranging your external conditions in an attempt to get the “perfect” combination, believing only then can you be truly happy.

For added twists make sure that the “perfect” combination conforms to other people’s definitions of success. Then in the pursuit of approval and acceptance, you can continue to chase their dreams and forget your own.

This will then take you down a path that leads you away from your true desires. Or even better, you can end up going around in circles over and over again searching for a place that feels like home, never to find it.

Then no matter how successful you are on the “outside” you will always feel like there’s something missing on the inside.

You don’t want to be tuning in to who you are, what you want, and what’s best for you next. You haven’t got time to sit around contemplating your navel.

Self-refection is self-indulgent and a waste of time. It’s better to live a life that just doesn’t feel right and continue to ignore and conceal parts of yourself that long to be acknowledged. Then you can spend an enormous amount of energy on denial, suppression and survival.

You’ll soon find certain numbness will take hold, as each day passes you just go through the motions, and it won’t be long before you’re feeling empty, drained, tired and depressed.

That's real success! 

Mind Trick #3 – Stay away from happy, supportive people

Image by Ben White

Mistrust anybody who appears to be “too happy.” If somebody you know or meet is constantly smiling and radiating happiness start questioning their motives or their mental stability.

These “happy clappers” should be approached with extreme caution – they can be a health hazard when it comes to achieving self-misery.

Who you socialise with is a crucial element in the attainment of total personal misery. If you are hanging around happy people, then it could start to rub off.

Make it a priority from today to build your social support group from whinging, complaining, criticising “negaholics”. Seek out and only socialise with the losers who are already hard at work punishing themselves.

You know, the ones who INSIST on being miserable and blaming the world for their “chicken” mediocre life. Listen to their advice. When you don’t know what to do let them decide what’s best for you.

Always seek their approval. Before you think of doing anything ask yourself,

“What would my friends say or think if I did…?”

Once you’re indoctrinated into this group, you’ll find it very hard to change even if you want to.

Why?

Because they will have a particular image of you and any change you try to make will be threatening to them. They will become your prison guards, and they’ll do everything and anything they can to keep you locked up.

So… find and attend every conversational “pity party” going. These conversational “pity parties” will be a fantastic drain on your time and energy… and they won’t solve any your problems!!!

Remember…misery likes company!!

Starting today take a good look at all your close relationships. Limit your time with any friends and family that you enjoy the company of, or have fun with, or make you laugh.

Make excuses like, “I’m too busy to see you at the moment.” Only find time for the people who will be a constant negative drain on your energy.

"Miserable is a good thing, though. If you start the day miserable, nobody else can screw up your day."
– Jake Roberts

Mind Trick #4 – Ignore your financial life

Image by Fabian Blank

There are a couple of strategies that you can employ to guarantee a life of excessive worry, anxiety, guilt and stress.

Firstly, you can relinquish all responsibility for your financial future completely. Make your employer responsible and if not the government, and if not maybe a long lost relative to take care of your financial needs.

Then when you get to the end of your earning ability you can be totally dependent on outside assistance.

Secondly, you could keep spending more than you make. Then you’ll always have too much month at the end of the money!

Accept any invitations from banks, department stores and credit companies for “free” money. Flash your flexible friend any chance you get and forget that “credit” in fact equals “debt.”

Debt is one of the quickest ways to destroy the relationship with your husband/wife. Money (or lack of it) is a great topic to argue about. If you work at it debt will bring you mental and physical problems so severe that you may be invited join a debt clinic.

These are starting to spring up all over the place to combat the health problems associated with debt.

For example, a common cause of heart disease and one of the nations biggest killers is stress. If you have to decide between a coronary and having the latest, the biggest, the best, the most exclusive and the most expensive, choose the latter.

Then everything you have around you will be mortgaged, leased, loaned or credit card rated.

By the way, a piece of advice, go for department store cards. They are the best, they use an interest rate of 21% – 22%. It won’t take you long to achieve your goal of crippling debt (due to your excessive lifestyle).

You can then spend every penny you earn from then on paying it all back. Then you’ll never be able to save for a rainy day, and your financial future will look miserable! You know it makes sense.

Mind Trick #5 – Put your health at the bottom of your priority list

Image by Jamie Street

Not taking care of your health is one of the quickest ways to run yourself into the ground and an early grave.

Spend £100 on joining your local gym and never go while eating all the wrong foods to excess. Your weight will soon balloon, and your immune system will be shot making you highly susceptible to any flu bugs that are going around. Then, you’ll be able to take full advantage all your allotted sick days.

Set your alarm for an early morning run. When it goes off, and you’re all cosy in bed, you’ll experience “mind over mattress,” ALWAYS let the mattress win!

To help accelerate poor physical and mental health, avoid all alternative practices. Especially meditation. According to Dr David Eisenberg and his colleagues at Harvard Medical School, it’s the leader of the pack.

Just look at a few of the facts…

• Fact: Meditation creates a deep sense of relaxation. The relaxation response works much like pushing the “reset” button, enabling your body to return to a state of optimal balance.
• Fact: Meditation increases your brain’s ability to produce serotonin, your body’s natural “feel-good” hormone.
• Fact: Meditation reduces anxiety, obsessive thinking, depression, hostility and pain.

Ok,…as you can see the discipline of meditating is very powerful. It can very quickly and easily undermine and undo everything you are trying to achieve in this blog post.

It needs to be AVOIDED at all costs. Don’t let anyone talk you into trying it. Sure you can find it interesting, but NOT interesting enough to take action on it.

Understand?

See it all as silly New Age mumbo jumbo. Full of Yogis, mysticism, the sound of sitars, complex postures, clouds of stinking incense, having your head shaved and chanting “om,” and “ah,” mantras over and over.

Who wants a boring monkish existence sitting on a cushion?

Not you!

In fact, you’d be wise to ignore all alternative practices like; walking in nature, exercise, yoga, deep breathing, Tai Chi, Pilates and Aromatherapy.

All of these practices are only for the enlightened airheads who aren’t content with normal therapeutic practices like TV, gossip, fags and beer!

Strategy #6 – Avoid taking ANY constructive action

Image by Bethany Legg

And to conclude… if at any time (God forbid!) you find yourself thinking of doing anything remotely constructive, like:

• Pursuing a fulfilling career.
• Finding your soul mate.
• Creating financial abundance.
• Giving service to something you believe in.
• Meditating to find your centre.
• Exercising for better health

In fact, anything that could remotely improve your happiness quotient, quickly refer to the following list of tried and tested excuses.

Read them aloud until you have learned them. Then, you can save time and energy in the future by only having to recite the appropriately assigned number when you are contemplating doing something constructive.

1. It can’t be done
2. It will never work
3. It’s a stupid idea
4. I’ll never get it right
5. I’m not talented enough
6. I’ll only get hurt
7. I’m too tired
8. Lucks not with me today
9. I’m too young
10. I’m too old
11. My horoscope doesn’t look good today
12. I don’t have enough time
13. It’s too late now; I’ve missed the opportunity
14. What’s the point? Nothing good will come of it
15. Why bother? What’s the use? It’s not worth the effort. You’ll only screw it up. Behave like a dork. Forget what you’re supposed to say. Get all tongue-tied. Be laughed at and called horrible names. It’s the wrong time to try. Maybe sometime in the future. When you have devised a better plan. Figured it all out. Not today. Not now. Another day…

Yeah…you know it makes sense.

There…now that the desire to do something constructive has significantly diminished you can stay miserable!

Think about it…. you don’t want to do that, you don’t want to change, you don’t want to face your fears, who needs the discomfort and all the hard work?

Not you.

You don’t want to “let go” old beliefs, old habits, past hurts and old fears to be happy right now and in the future.

Right!

So choose ignorance, denial and never acknowledge what is actually going on. Choose to forget and turn a blind eye.

You know what they say after all,

“Ignorance is bliss!!”

Well, that’s it.

That’s how to make yourself miserable using 7 mind tricks.

OK, 6, but “Top 6 mind tricks” doesn’t sound as good as “Top 7 mind tricks.” You probably wouldn’t have bothered reading the blog post if it had been “6 Ways To Trick Your Mind into Being Miserable.”

I bet you didn’t even like this blog post because it’s not one of my usual all singing and dancing videos. Which is very hurtful and makes me feel bad. Don’t you realise how much I need your approval? My confidence has been shattered, but I’m going to pretend that I don’t care! Then you can’t hurt me!

If you like this post, please “like,” “tweet” and “+1″ it! Spread the love!